- This is awesome. - Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. This is crazy.
Oh, my God! So incredible.
Do you want to know a secret? I took a Viagra.
What? This is awesome!
Why aren't l using this every day?
What'd you do? Wait. Stop, stop, stop.
Stop. What?
What's the matter?
"What's the matter?"
You just took a Viagra to have sex with me.
I thought it would make it better.
It was better. It takes some of the pressure off.
Because you can't get hard without a Viagra?
Is it because you don't think I'm sexy?
I thought you'd think it was fun
for me to super-size it for once.
That is the worst birthday present you could ever give someone.
I was just trying to go turbo for your birthday.
My hard-ons are still in analog. This shit's digital.
I don't want a turbo penis.
I like your medium-soft one.
Look, I can get it up. Just not that far up.
Where did you get this?
I got it from Barry.
What? You got it from Barry?
Why do you care? This is my dick we're talking about.
Not yours.
We are young people.
We don't need medication to have sex.
I only took it because it's your birthday. I thought you'd like it.
Happy fucking 40th birthday.
I am not 40.
And I don't want to have a husband
who has to take Viagra to get a hard-on.
I don't have to take it every time, but once in a while.
Fuck 40. Forty can suck my dick.
Stop it. Dad, stop.
I love you.
Time to get up.
Your breath smells weird.
Wake up.
I really need you to wake up.
Wake up. Come on.
Time to wake up. Okay.
Whoo!
Ready!
Make a wish!
Hello, Sayid.
Can I watch Lost?
You can't handle Lost.
It's too violent, and you won't understand.
If I don't understand it, why can't I handle it?
Because you're eight.
I can handle it. I've seen a shark eat a guy on Shark Week.
Shark Week is fake.
No, it's not.
All of it is reenactments.
I know, but they...
And that's scary. You shouldn't be allowed to watch that.
They show the reenactments, but they actually happened.
It's gonna give you nightmares.
I can handle a nightmare. You're a nightmare every day for me.
Hey.
Don't eat that cupcake.
What?
The one you just put into the sink.
I saw you were hiding that.
This cupcake? You think I'm going to eat this cupcake?
Yeah. I so don't want this cupcake. Look.
You're still going to eat it. I'm going to eat that cupcake?
Just put it in the trash.
What would you like to do? Your choice.
Anything? Yeah, anything.
Just hang out with you guys.
Don't you want to get a massage, or do something fun?
Forty's huge.
I'm turning 38.
Okay, 38. We will move on.
Isn't it weird that our birthday is the same week,
and then we're going to have a party, and it's just for me?
No, I don't think it's weird at all.
Because you're turning 40 and I'm turning 38.
Come on, do you really want to be one of those ladies
who's just so insecure about their age?
And they lie, and then they gotta remember, and it gets all...
You don't get it. See, you don't understand how it works.
I don't want to shop at old ladies' stores.
I don't want to go to J. Jill and Chico's, and Ann Taylor Loft.
I'm not ready yet.
I need two more years.
That is so insane, it kind of makes sense.
What'd you get me for my birthday?
Wait a minute, I thought you said that
we shouldn't get each other gifts this year.
What do you mean?
You're supposed to get me a surprise gift.
This is a big birthday.
I'm turning 40.
Mom!
Mom, why can't I get new clothes?
What the fuck? Nothing fits me!
God damn it!
I'm going to go work out, I'll be back in about an hour.
Hey, did your father call to wish you a happy birthday?
No, but that's no surprise.
Come on. Coming.
You got to keep up with us, sweetheart. Yeah, I'm in.
That's why your body looks like your body
and her body looks like her body.
Before, after. Before, after.
You guys just go on without me. I'm just gonna...
I think I gotta...
Fuck.
Thanks for letting me join this team.
It's not really a team.
It's just a bunch of guys that get together and ride.
- I know, I know. - Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Hey! Bike lane, asshole!
It's always the guy in the fucking lnfiniti.
Good. See, you're getting tight here. Yeah.
This, we need to work on. Okay.
So, why on earth is Pete taking Viagra? What's going on?
I don't know.
I think maybe he isn't attracted to me anymore or something.
I don't know. Well, that is ridiculous.
If you were my girlfriend, I would not need a Viagra.
I would need an anti-Viagra pill...
To try not to get a boner.
But everyone gives you a boner.
Don't sell yourself short like that.
You give me a boner.
Barb doesn't give me a boner.
Maybe things are just getting stale.
That's why if maybe l work out really hard...
Maybe he'll be able to get a boner again.
Why do you need to have sex, Deb?
Sex is the number one thing people fight about.
You stop having sex, there will be no more fights.
I am living proof.
I have no sex,
and I am the happiest I have ever been.
I knew it. I knew you were not having sex.
I can see it on your face.
It's all...
Puckered and pained.
I'm enjoying our non-sex period, that's all I'm saying.
Don't you miss it?
I wouldn't know, because I don't have any feeling down there anymore.
I have nerve damage from my C-section,
so everything's just kind of...
She's numb down there.
I could sit down hard on a fire hydrant,
and I wouldn't even know that I was sitting.
I could get stung by a hornet down there, and I would not feel it.
You could put anything in there,
and I would not know what the object was.
I used to pee in a nice stream,
and now it just kind of goes like a shower head.
That is the saddest thing I've ever heard.
I think you need a family. Don't you want a family?
No, I think I want to Clooney it.
Clooney it? Yup.
He doesn't seem happy.
Yeah, he is.
No, he's lonely.
No, he's not.
See, I think he has sad eyes.
You sweet little thing, no.
He's doing sad, lonely eyes to get the next lady.
Look, I can do it, too. Watch.
I bet George Clooney is really lonely.
Just him and his pig.
You'd fuck him. I wouldn't.
So would you. I would.
I wouldn't feel it, but I would.
You'd fuck him with your numb vagina. Yes, you would.
Ocean's Thirteen Inches, that's what you'd find out.
Do you think?
I mean, that was idiotic, though. You have to understand that.
That's the one thing you don't do,
is tell her that you used Viagra.
I think that's even on the warning label.
We're in one of those phases where
everything that the other person says
just annoys the shit out of each other.
All the time. It's a blast. Don't worry about it.
You just gotta ride that out.
This sounds terrible.
Okay, I like it.
But...
Do you ever wonder what it would be like if, say,
you were separated by something bigger.
Like death? Like her death?
I have given it a fair amount of thought.
Not in a painful way, just quietly slid into death.
Like a gas leak.
Absolutely. It's gotta be peaceful.
I mean, this is the mother of your children.
You want her to die...
No, I'd want it to be a peaceful...
...gentle, you know.
Yeah, just like drift into a coma from which she never awakens.
And then you move on. Then you are a widower.
That's just it, people love widowers.
They love widowers. It's like the polar opposite of divorced guys.
It's the best.
It's like, "Oh, that poor widower.
"lf I could only make him happy."
"Somehow, ease his pain."
"Cock-suck away his sadness."
Do you know that this song, Pixies did this song,
it's about a Salvador Dali short film called Un Chien Andalusia.
This music doesn't make people happy.
This song kicks off Doolittle, one of the best albums of the last 30 years.
Look how angry you get while listening to it.
An important record.
It's my birthday. You don't control the radio on my birthday.
I do.
I control the radio on my birthday.
Sadie's watching Lost.
Sadie, how many times have you watched Lostthis week?
I only watched 11. But I have eight more, and then I'm done, so...
How many are there? 114.
Are you kidding me?
You can't watch over 100 episodes of a show in five weeks.
It'll melt your brain.
It's not melting my brain, it's blowing my mind.
That's really bad, Sadie.
You're not allowed to do that.
My relationship with Lost is not your business.
It's extremely personal.
Stop!
Stop it. Be nice to your sister.
You guys are going to cherish each other one day.
Stop it! Stop!
It's your birthday. You don't need to go to the store.
No, just five minutes. Desi and Jodi are fighting.
All right, five minutes, but then I'm pulling you out.
Hi.
How's Jodi treating you?
Jodi?
Oh, Jodi's my new BFF.
She's like a little kitty-cat.
Sometimes she comes and rubs up against my leg.
And you're a ball of shit.
She loves me.
Huh.
Can you do inventory so that we can do the sidewalk sale?
And you really need to pay attention to the numbers
because we have $12,000 unaccounted for.
I think it's probably Desi.
She's been having a really hard time using these simple computers.
It's because she's stupid.
I think she might be stealing.
She's not stealing.
She's our best employee. She made nine grand last month.
How much did I make?
You brought in $2,000.
That's not bad.
Well, it's not that good.
I mean, I'm not comparing you, but you're not as good.
All right. See you.
I don't think she's wearing underwear.
What? It's all dark up there.
Why are you looking?
I didn't mean to look.
I just said, "Hey, whoa." And there it was.
Maybe she's wearing dark underwear.
Yeah, maybe she has underwear that has a picture of a vagina painted on it.
Stop looking.
Some deep oranges and browns, and maybe some dark greens.
That would really play up your features.
I'll just take out my AmEx and you pick what stuff you think's good.
Whoo!
Good job!
Whoo!
Where's Daddy?
I think he went to poop.
Pete!
Q-A-T. Suck on that, bitch.
Hey. What are you doing?
Going to the bathroom.
We're all downstairs, waiting for you.
You've been up here for a really long time now.
I'm almost done. I'll be down in a second.
Charlotte just did her first flip on the trampoline
and she landed on her feet.
She was really proud of herself.
That's great! And you missed it.
She'll do it again.
It's the fourth time you've gone to the bathroom today.
Give me a break.
Why is your instinct to escape?
It's not my instinct to escape from you.
It is my instinct to come into the bathroom
when I need to go to the bathroom.
How come I don't smell anything?
It's because I shoved an Altoid up my ass before I came in here.
Let me see, then.
What? Let me see.
No, I'm not going to let you see.
You're not going to let me see,
because you're not taking a poop.
I've been flushing as I go.
You're flushing as you go.
Who takes a half-hour to go to the bathroom?
John Goodman.
Don't press "Enter." I'm not sure I want to make that move!
Thank you. Wow.
You know, when I first started this label,
my dream was to work with musicians and bands
whose music I just admired so much.
The person that I thought, "My God, wouldn't it be incredible to work with, "
was Graham Parker.
Tonight, we have him, solo
because we couldn't afford to fly in The Rumour.
Graham Parker.
It's just not my kind of music.
Really? What is your kind of music?
I like Lady Gaga.
Oh, God, of course you do.
What? Shallow dance music.
It's not. It is fun.
And it's about release and sex and power.
You don't have to like it. It's really not for you, that's fine.
This is a job. This is not a hobby.
Can't you love him, just as a hobby
and sign a 15-year-old hot girl so we can eat?
Graham Parker & The Rumour had two albums
in the Rolling Stone Top 500 Best Albums of All Time.
Two of them.
If I can just sell 10,000 records to his hardcore fanbase,
we're golden.
The last of Graham Parker's fans just died.
I do know. Hardly. That sort of music depresses people.
Hi, Charlotte.
Sadie. Sadie, what are you listening to?
Okay. This is music that makes people happy.
And this is what people buy.
What?
Right, girls?
Come on, Sadie.
Okay.
Why did you take it off?
Now, something that really rocks.
This is called good music.
From somebody's heart.
This is bumming me out. This isn't fun.
Just listen to these words, okay? Just listen to the words.
I don't understand the words.
This is lyrics. This is poetry.
This is what is going to survive in a hundred years.
It just doesn't make people happy.
Makes me happy. I can dance to it.
But you're the only one in the room who's happy.
Sometimes I wish just one of you had a dick.
Well, we don't want one.
Is there something that you can do to be helping me right now?
Yeah, I'm ready to help. Just tell me what to do.
Can you go get a lunch box or something?
For me or for them?
Charlotte! I've got a test!
I'm coming, I'm coming.
Charlotte, I'm going to kill you!
Hi, Debbie.
Hi. Any day now, huh?
Not really. Three months, still.
Hi. Hi.
Katie's dying for a play date. Let's hook these two up.
That would be great. Okay, I'll call you. Great.
Okay, great.
No.
No, what? No.
What? No.
She's sweet.
She's evil.
Hello. Hi. Hi.
Listen, Charlotte really needs to get here on time
because she needs the extra time to just settle in.
Oh. We are on time.
Being on time means being early.
Okay.
It's nice to see you in class. We'd like to see more of you.
I come to...
Hi, Debbie.
Grandma Molly.
How are you? I'm so happy about the science fair.
Thank you for coming. It's going very well, I heard.
Yeah. I love you. You look so beautiful!
Happy birthday. I just learned that you're 40.
Are you 40?
Yeah.
I remember when I was 40, and then I blinked,
and there I was, going to be 90.
My God, where did it go?
One day, you're going to blink and you're going to be 90.
And I won't be around to see it, and that makes me very sad.
I'm telling you. I'm warning you.
Don't blink. Don't blink.
And then you missed the mortgage payment,
and that's the second mortgage.
You gotta tighten your belt. You gotta go home, sit down,
Iook at your expenses, come clean with Debbie.
Oh, God. I can't tell Debbie.
You've got to tell her, Pete.
I mean, she knows it's bad, but she has no idea just how bad.
If you sell the house, it'll really buy you some time.
No, Debbie's not really into selling the house.
As your business manager and your friend, I can't recommend that.
Hey, how funny would it be if I bought your house?
Okay. Bye.
Hang in there.
From the retro label, Unfiltered,
comes the first Graham Parker & The Rumour record in 30 years.
When we play together, the magic was just ridiculous.
And I think what we've got is just so great.
What are you doing?
I'm contextualizing him as one of the great figures in rock history.
You can't show him in his prime in '77,
and then jump straight to him as he is now.
It's terrifying.
You have got to reverse it. You have got to show him
as he is now, very briefly, and then show him in 1977.
You have got to Benjamin Button it.
I don't know what you're talking about. All rock stars are older now.
Steven Tyler, David Bowie, Mick Jagger...
Paul McCartney. Okay. Stop it.
Everybody that you are mentioning looks like an old woman now.
You're just mentioning a bunch of Jessica Tandys.
Keith Richards gets away with it.
But that's because Keith Richards looked 70 when he was 40.
And now that he's 70, he looks 69.
He's regenerating.
I like it, and I think Graham Parker's sexy.
Well, would you fuck him?
Yes. You'd...
You'd fuck him and you won't fuck me?
I mean, I kind of fucked you once,
if you could have finished. Oh. I finished.
Okay, enough of who fucked who and who finished what.
I finished.
Look, it's a retro label. That's our niche, that's our market.
It costs money to break new bands. I can't do that.
Okay, and also, you're the guy who turned down Arcade Fire.
Everybody turned down Arcade Fire.
It's crazy. There's so many of them.
We don't have the money to market a new band.
We just need to make Graham seem relevant.
Who's he talking to?
The Jewish Journal.
The Jewish Journal?
Apparently, old Jews are the only ones who still buy hard copy of records.
Because they don't like to download music.
Because they don't know what "downloading" means.
Why is this album different from any other album?
It isn't.
What is he wearing?
It's a hat with the Oreo logo on it.
Why? I don't think he's being ironic.
I think he just really likes Oreos.
Look, Paul Westerberg record did okay.
Frank Black record did all right.
The Haircut One Hundred, not so much.
We have to break this record. Otherwise, we're not here next year.
He's coming, he's coming. Oreo Man is coming.
Hey, guys, how are you?
Good, man.
Aren't cookies the best? Yeah.
Jewish Journal guy loves the record.
Great!
Got a bit of a problem, though. A touch of gout.
Gout?
My whole family, they all had gout.
Jesus. That's very unfortunate.
My auntie Queenie, she had a foot like this.
It's like a size of a small pig. I've got a photo of it.
I'd love to see that photo of that gout foot.
And a couple of bunions as well.
Fuck.
I've got to go to the podiatrist,
and I hope he can shoot me up with something.
Yeah, well, let's get you to the podiatrist.
Bye, Graham. See you later, Graham.
Good luck with your gout.
Rock and roll, baby.
The happiest period in people's lives is from age 40 to 60.
So, this is it. We're in it right now.
It's true. Says who?
Says a lot of people. Most people say that. Oh!
We have everything we need right now to be completely happy.
We're going to blink, and be 90. What?
So, let's just choose to be happy.
Yeah. Yeah.
Your eyes are kind of glazing over.
No, I'm processing it all.
Some of these, I wrote for you.
So, we have to exercise every day. Mmm.
Spend more time alone together.
And we have to go to the therapist, every week.
It's a little pricey.
No stressing over tiny things.
Yeah, that's good. You should do that. Mm-hmm.
We have to get more involved in school.
Yeah. Have more patience with the kids.
And we need to work on our anger.
Yeah, I think it would be good if you could take care of your anger.
No, I said both of us.
That's what I said. Our anger.
Okay, and no more smoking.
Yeah, you gotta cut that out.
I don't want to make this about a fight. I want to just be positive.
Yeah. Sorry.
Okay, and then no more holding onto resentments.
We have to just let that go.
So, you're saying that if we're arguing,
and I apologize, you'll let it go?
And not throw it back in my face later?
Well, I don't do that,
but I will continue not to do that.
And what did you write?
All of that. That's plenty. That's a lot.
And you're going to eat better?
Oh, yeah. I've been doing a decent job.
But I don't think there's anything wrong
with having some fries every now and again.
And then I'll smoke that day.
That's not the same thing. It is the same thing.
I like fries.
And the other thing is your dad's stuff,
the not letting him guilt-trip you all the time
because that puts a lot of pressure on you, and stress,
and then the whole family feels it.
And he is a grown man, and he's not our responsibility.
And you're not giving him money anymore, right?
No. No, I haven't been giving him money.
I haven't done that for years. I told you.
Can you please put that down?
A lot of people are RSVP-ing to your birthday party.
You sure you don't want to just do a joint birthday party?
No.
We always used to. No.
Did Jodi tell you she thinks Desi's stealing?
Are you serious?
How much? $12,000.
Oh, God.
And Desi's taking it?
Well, I don't know.
That's what Jodi said.
We really need the store to work.
It is.
Don't put that kind of pressure on me.
No, no. It's not what I mean. I'm just...
Are you nervous about money?
Are we okay?
Yeah. All right.
Maybe we just suck it up because she's clearly
earning so much more than any other employee we have.
Oh, yeah, for sure. We can't fire her.
We're barely breaking even with her.
That's why we have to keep her.
Look at this. She's making out with somebody.
Is she screwing him?
That might be like a dry hump.
Look at the position of her skirt.
That's too grainy to know for sure.
Oh, my God. This is in the middle ofthe day. Customers could be in there.
At least she's getting some.
What did you say? "At least she's getting some"?
Yes.
What are you talking about? We had sex the other night.
You gotta give me a little credit for that.
It's not about credit. It's about...
We need to have more passion.
Like this.
That's not passionate.
It looks passionate to me.
What?
What is she doing? Okay.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my gosh.
Don't do that. What am I doing?
Don't fart in the bed.
I'm not. It's the springs.
This is why we never have sex.
That's disgusting, you're gross.
I don't know what you're talking about.
You're so...
God!
Sadie, Sadie, Sadie, Sadie, Sadie
Charlotte, I'm doing my homework.
Okay, watch this. Watch this.
There's a haunted cow back here.
I'm pretty sure it does not have milk.
Moo.
Moo!
See that? They took me away.
You're no fun. You never want to play.
Charlotte, how many times do I have to tell you?
Sadie, Sadie, Sadie
Sadie is boring
You're so mean since your body got weird.
Close the door.
You're no fun.
If you can just move just a little bit more.
Oh, shit.
Okay, okay. Ah!
Ow. Ow.
No, my boob is in there!
Did I tell you that my son's going to Stanford?
No, that's great. Great for us, and great for him.
Cough again. Great school.
Everything looks good.
Your face is close to my face.
Descending colon.
I'm about four feet in right now.
That's what he said.
Are you a grinder? Do you grind your teeth?
I grind all night.
Oh!
I think we need to turn the gas down.
Turn it up!
No, we're going to turn it down.
Turn it up!
Ooh!
Do you have to breathe right on my neck?
Sorry.
What are you all doing for Christmas?
Um, I don't know.
You have a tree and everything? Mm-hmm.
Isn't that fun? In the spirit?
Sorry, I just had one quick question.
On your form, you said you were born in 1974,
but your paper, it said '72. So I just need to know which it is.
It's 1974.
Oh, wait. Because on your last form,
you said that you were born in 1975.
Didn't you tell me you were born in 1976?
No. That's funny.
So, you want to go with 1974?
I'm not gonna "go with" 1974. It is 1974.
Okay.
Just remember to write "1974" every time.
It's okay. It's 1976.
I lie about my age, okay?
Okay. Okay? Okay? Okay?
Okay. Okay.
You're tightening up.
Oh, my gosh.
I know how old you are by counting the rings.
A little gyno joke.
Oh, my God. Please.
What are you doing?
Getting ready to go for my ride.
You want a blow job?
Yeah. Why?
I really want a cigarette right now.
Wow, happy to help.
Charlotte, where is my backpack?
Hello?
Mom's busy!
Why are you locking the door?
Mom, what's going on in there?
Mom, I can't be late for school. I have a test.
Mommy can't talk right now!
This isn't funny, Mom. I need to go!
Mom, let me in! Please!
That's not gonna help!
Put on your shoes. We'll meet you in the car.
Ow. Sadie hurt me! I didn't!
So, hit her back!
She's faking.
I'm not! Go downstairs!
Please! Sadie gave me a...
Stop crying! Stop crying!
Stop it! God damn it!
Quit killing each other! Mom, please come out.
Shut up! Stop it!
- Open the door! - Go away!
Open it up! Please!
Forget it.
No, don't forget it, don't forget it. Don't, don't...
Oh, God.
Hey, boychik!
Hey!
It's the 11:00 from London.
Drop something valuable, you shit!
How you doing? How are you, bubeleh?
That's loud. Every eight minutes, buddy.
You look pretty good. Your hair is different.
Yeah, I'm growing it out.
I'd get it cut.
Daddy, you never play with me.
I do, but right now, look who I'm talking to.
Hi. It's your brother!
Hi. You don't look like my brother.
I told you, honey, that's because of the egg donor.
Remember? I came from a test tube!
How's business? It's not good.
Nobody wants curtains.
They think of it like a luxury. It's not a luxury.
You need shade. You need privacy.
Who wants to have other people watch you fuck?
I know how you feel.
My business is going through some growing pains right now.
Daddy! Daddy!
Don't jump on Daddy. Be careful, don't jump on Daddy!
Remember, Daddy has high blood what?
High blood pressure.
That's right. My daddy's old.
Can you go outside without me for a little bit?
Yeah. Don't go near that little pool!
All right? We're going to pee in the pool.
Do The Three Stooges routine you were practicing.
I can't tell them apart.
I swear to God, I need tattoos.
Look, I wanted to talk to you about
scaling back a little bit.
You know, Deb and I are... We're thinking about selling the house.
I think that house is more than you need.
I think it was too big of a purchase when you made it.
Yeah. In the meantime, I'm going to have to make some changes.
I'm going to have to cut back.
I understand. What do you mean?
With you. Oh.
I'm sorry. What?
I can't lend you any more money.
No, that's a bad idea. That's not the way to cut back.
I have three children here.
What about Claire? Can't she get a job?
Claire takes care of your brothers!
What do you want her to do?
If she goes to work, then I gotta hire somebody!
Well, you've got to figure something out
because I can't do it. I can't do it.
Okay, fine. Why don't we kill them?
Come on, we'll kill two of them.
I'll keep the best one.
Really, it'll save us both a lot of trouble.
Come on. Line up!
Line up for murder! Come on!
Who wants to be killed? I do!
Okay, we're eliminating one already. We're cheaper. You're gone.
Murder me. Okay. Boom. Dead!
I'm dead! You're dead! You're dead!
Kill me, kill me! All right, the kids are murdered.
That will save us some money. Daddy is the best!
Why would you have three kids, anyway?
I mean, you're 60 years old. You have no money.
Because Claire wanted a baby.
If we didn't at least try, she would have left me.
She was 45 years old. Nobody thought it would take.
The doctor, when we're doing in vitro, is winking at me like...
"Don't worry, don't worry."
We were very unlucky.
And now, we have these three beautiful children.
Come on. I gotta tell you something.
What?
Your mother wanted you aborted.
Oh. Jesus Christ.
No, no. It's the truth.
You know, it was the '70s. We were 22 years old.
That's what everybody did. You did some blow, had sex, had an abortion.
Really? Yes.
We were on the way to the doctor's office.
I said, "Let's stop, have a pizza, talk about it.
"lf you still wanna do it after lunch, it's okay."
The pizza saved your life.
But don't give me money, because I'm not worth it.
So, how much do I owe you for saving my life?
I don't have a number. You just keep giving like you're giving.
Hey. Oh, hi, Pete.
Hey. Hey.
Why aren't you playing with the kids?
We were playing all day with them.
Pete is just talking to me about his 40th birthday party.
Whatever I can do to help.
Okay. Did you feed them?
I fed half of one.
Half of...
Let's go, we'll feed them. Mommy will feed them.
Who wants tuna with a side ofjet fuel?
Hi, I'm looking for my dad. I mean, an older man.
So, how's Sony treating Pete?
He's not with Sony anymore. He went out on his own.
Now he's able to focus on the artists
that he's really passionate about.
Hmm.
How's Sadie doing?
The last time I saw her, she was throwing her Cheerios on the floor.
What a mess.
Right.
She just got her period.
Well, I guess she's not a little baby anymore.
It would be nice to see more of each other.
Well, we can certainly arrange for that. I'd love to see the girls.
That would be nice. Mm-hmm. It would.
Do you have a day that is better... A good day?
I would say the weekends, but our weekends are hell.
Soccer competitions, kids' exams.
Right, right. I mean, we're both so busy.
I have young children, you have young children.
I don't think we should judge ourselves too harshly about that.
I know, I wasn't... I didn't say anything.
No, I'm glad we're here. I think this is a good start.
And then, we can spend more time together, it'd be nice.
It'd be nice.
Do you want to see pictures of the kids?
Oh. Yeah.
This is Kel, my son.
He's handsome. He's 13? Mm-hmm.
And that's Alexandra, my daughter. She's a real perfectionist.
A lot like you.
That's the whole gang at Cabo.
Excuse me, dear, I gotta go to the restroom.
Be right back. Okay.
Daddy and I are making some changes
so that we can be happier and healthier.
And we're starting with this meal that I prepared.
I think it looks great. Doesn't it look good?
What is that, grilled cheeses?
No, baked tofu. Oh.
It's actually really tasty.
And the lettuce is so fresh and tasty
that you forget how good lettuce tastes on its own,
without dressing.
No, dressing always gets in the way of the natural taste of the lettuce.
And another thing we've decided
is to cut back on all of the electronics we use.
Basically, what we're going to do, is get rid of the Wi-Fi
and only use the computer...
What? ...from 8:00 to 8:30 at night.
How are we gonna go on the computer?
We're gonna have a hard line in the kitchen.
Yeah. We'll supervise that.
You can't do this. You can't take away the Wi-Fi.
No Wi-Fi! A-ha-ha.
You don't spend enough time with the family
when you're constantly on your iPhone and your computer.
And, you know, you're only here for five more years.
So, you won't see me after five years?
No, but you won't be living with us.
And you should get to know your little sister.
You've got the perfect friend, right here.
I don't wanna be friends with her now.
I'll be friends with her when she's 20 and a normal person.
I don't wanna hang out with her when I'm in my 20s.
You're on the computer too much as it is.
You need to get outside more, do some playing outside.
Yeah, you could build things. You could build a fort outside.
What? Yeah, build a fort.
Play with your friends and have...
Make a fort? Outside?
And do what?
Do what in the fort?
When I was a kid, we used to build tree houses and play with sticks.
Nobody plays with sticks.
You and Charlotte can have a lemonade stand.
Play kick the can.
Look for dead bodies.
It's fun. That's fun to do.
Get a tire and then just take a stick and run down a street with it.
Nobody does that crap. It's 2012.
You don't need technology.
No technology!
Charlotte, put that down.
I don't need to be monitored all the time on the computer.
I don't do anything bad.
Nobody said you were bad.
I don't do things I'm not supposed to.
I don't illegally download music.
I don't look at porn like Wendy.
She is up to no good. She's not allowed to come over here anymore.
What's porn?
No, she said "corn."
This isn't turning out the way I wanted it to.
I'm not hungry.
No computer. Listen to your mom.
I need to use it for my homework.
She's outplaying us.
I know. She's tough.
This is the best birthday present.
It's good to get away.
We haven't been to Laguna without the kids in years.
I know. If we're happy, they're happy.
Yeah, I mean, I can't take it.
With the hormones, and the crying.
Jesus. And "do my homework."
Them's lil' bitches.
Bugging us for shit all the time.
And they never appreciate anything.
No! God, no. They're selfish assholes.
Aw, I feel bad. I love them.
I know.
I miss them already. Should we go home?
Nah.
Why do we fight?
I don't know, it makes no sense.
It makes no sense.
When we get in a fight,
Iook at my eyes and let's remember this moment, right now,
and know that we never have to fight.
But you're such a dick sometimes.
I know, I am a dick sometimes.
People think I'm so nice, but I'm such a dick.
Thank you for admitting that.
And you get so mad at me, I feel like you want to kill me.
I do want to kill you.
How would you do it?
I don't know. I'd poison you.
I'd poison your cupcakes that you pretend not to eat every day.
And just put enough in to just slowly weaken you.
I love it.
I would enjoy our last few months together. Me too.
Because you'd be so weak and sweet.
And I could take care of you...
But while killing you.
See, you know what I love about us?
You can still surprise me.
I figured, for sure, you'd knock me out with one fell swoop of poison.
But you would extend it over a series of months.
Have you ever thought about killing me?
Oh, yeah. Really?
Sure.
How would you do it? Wood chipper.
A wood chipper? Yeah.
A wood chipper.
Yeah.
Wow.
I know. Did you see Fargo?
Yeah.
Ugh.
That's a bad plan. The cupcakes is a way better plan.
It is. You're right.
You know what? I won't murder you.
Aw!
I love you.
I love you, too.
Do you know what I brought? What?
A medical marijuana cookie. Ben gave it to me last Christmas.
What?
Yeah. I brought it. You did?
Chocolate chip kooky.
Should we do it?
Let's eat the cookie and then we'll order a bunch of cheeseburgers.
Let's order the entire room service menu.
Just get all of it. You deserve it, you really do.
Wouldn't you rather have me around
for less years and I'm incredibly happy, than longer and miserable?
Yes, and I just realized that right now.
Go get the cookie. I'm getting the cookie.
Go get the cookie.
Ow!
Should we watch porn when we eat the cookie?
Yeah. Should we get a block of porn?
I don't think we need 24 hours of porn.
But you know, two porns costs just about as much as a 24-hour block.
I think that's too much porn.
We don't have to watch it all, but for the value, it makes sense.
How much are we supposed to eat?
I don't know. I think six or seven cookies, right?
Plus, it's old, it probably has lost some of its...
Potency.
We should have sex more.
I mean, girls have it so easy.
You just show up with your sexual organs and you're good to go.
All the pressure is on the guy.
It's true.
And I look at guys... Like, I look at a guy like Prince,
and you know that guy fucks.
Yeah.
I know I don't fuck like Prince. Uh-uh.
Prince can fuck. Uh-huh.
I fuck like David Schwimmer.
You do.
You know, I fuck like Ross from Friends.
Mmm.
Looks good.
How does he do it?
The floating spoon.
Check it out. It's my dick and balls.
Oh, my God. I don't eat my own dick.
I ate my dick!
Kelly, I think this room has rodents.
There! Just saw it.
Have you seen my starfish?
Where did I put my starfish?
My God.
I'm gonna deep throat this éclair.
I wanna make out with you so bad.
I felt like I was gonna choke!
That was nice.
Mom, Charlotte's crying
because she's got an ear infection again.
I didn't know what to do.
We're home.
Are you okay?
What's the matter?
I wanna rip my ear off, it hurts so much.
I told you that pediatrician didn't know what he was talking about.
Come on, you can't blame it on our doctor.
Ear infections are common in little kids.
Not in kids over six years old.
We're going to the Eastern doctor.
If she's in this much pain, then we should call a real doctor.
Are you kidding right now?
I know. Okay. Yup.
What we should do is easy and simple.
No more dairy, no more wheat, no more sugar.
Sugar, wheat and dairy. Okay. Yeah.
What the fuck is left?
Sorry.
Isn't everything sugar, wheat, and dairy?
She can have vegetables and fruits.
Oh, but she can eat fruits.
Fruits. Yeah.
Any kind of fruit?
Mangos, pineapple.
It isn't, there are safe fruits
and then there are unsafe fruits? No, no.
What about French fries?
Could we do something like that? Are you okay?
Would you like to come on the table? I'm okay, I'm...
Why don't you go on the table?
I don't wanna go on the table.
No. It looks like you need to get on the table.
I don't wanna get on the table.
Pete!
God damn it.
What are you doing?
I need you to look at something. In my butt.
Why?
I think I got something in there,
and I'm not limber enough to see.
I need you to look at it, all right?
I think I might have an anal fissure, or a hemorrhoid, or a worm or something.
What are you doing with your phone?
I'm trying to take pictures of it so I can compare it to something on Google.
Can we just keep just a small shred of mystery
in our relationship, please?
Look, I saw you have two babies, okay?
Seriously, I need you to get up all in that.
I do not want to investigate your anus.
Payback time.
It's a hemorrhoid.
Thank you.
Now, erase that from your memory.
Where'd she get those clothes? Those are expensive clothes.
Think. Where do you think?
I don't want this to sound harsh,
but everything that comes out of her mouth is a lie.
Everything that goes into it is a dick.
Everything that goes in is dicks?
A dick.
Don't say that.
I'm sorry. I'm just being protective of the store.
I'm going to go talk to her.
Hey, Desi.
Hi. Hi.
Is that your new Acura out front?
Uh, yeah.
It's so nice.
Do you love it?
I mean, it's not a fucking Porsche, but it'll do for now.
Huh.
Hey, Desi, would you mind wearing
some of the clothes that we have in the store?
Yes. Yeah, I'm sorry.
Will that be okay? Yeah.
Perfect.
Good?
You know, I actually made this one myself.
Did you? Yeah.
The tiger, I did it on a piece of paper separately,
and then I actually transferred it to the T-shirt.
Wow.
So, you stenciled on the tiger?
I drew it on a piece of paper and then
I transferred the drawing to the T-shirt.
You have an amazing body.
Really?
Yes. Are those real?
My boobs? Yeah.
Yeah. Do you wanna touch them?
Really?
Touch them.
Okay.
Wow.
Huh.
Jesus.
I mean, they really are amazing. That's firm, for real.
They're like a memory mattress.
It's, wow, like Tempur-Pedic, you know?
They look amazing.
My kids just sucked the meat right out of mine.
No. Yeah.
There's some meat in there.
My boobs are just gone. Since I had kids, my boobs are just gone.
They didn't even say goodbye, you know? They just left.
By the time I'm 40, these are gonna go National Geographic on me.
I feel bad about myself right now.
I think this is a really good offer on the house.
We expected more.
I know it's a bad market,
but that's still way under what we were looking for.
I know, but based on what the market's like, it's like you're gaining money,
because it's so much more than what you deserve.
But these people are from Iran
and they don't really know that they're offering too much.
Is there any chance that Debbie will go for it?
I doubt it. I mean, I don't know.
There's a lot of inventory out there.
I mean, what is her problem?
She has unrealistic expectations.
I'm faster than you!
We're Jewish!
Hey! Did you miss me, Travis?
It's Jack.
Hey, Jack.
My daddy doesn't know my name!
Okay, come on, let's go.
Can I go show them my crystals before they leave?
Yeah, really quick.
It's all right with me. Elevator down!
Okay. Go play with your tiny uncles.
- Let's play murder! - Yeah. Let's go.
So, what are you doing? Spring cleaning?
I'm getting rid of everything in the house that has gluten or sugar.
Why? What's wrong with gluten?
Gluten's really bad for you.
I don't think so. It's wheat.
Don't you watch Dr. Oz?
As in, "The Wizard of"?
Hey, Mom, we were wondering if we can use the computer to iChat?
Remember the rules? 8:00 to 8:30.
Yeah, but I have a friend over.
Hi, Wendy. Yeah, I know.
Why don't you guys go play? You could go build a fort!
Hey, remember the Alamo?
Have you ever built a fort, Wendy?
Like, on Facebook?
I will take this if you're gonna throw it away,
because at our house, we're wheat-eaters.
But don't you want to live long enough to see your kids grow up?
That's up to God, honey.
No, but that's really not good for the kids.
Eh, the kids eat grass, this is fine.
Wendy's mom lets her go on whenever she wants.
Yeah, my mom's pretty cool about it
as long as I finish my homework.
Yeah.
Well, I guess I'm not the cool one,
but the rules are just different in our house.
Well, I get better grades than Wendy.
She does. She's so smart.
Let me just grab the candy worms.
See, your rules are ridiculous.
Don't sass me.
I'm only sassing you because you're throwing out all the food in our house
and I'm freaking starving.
You're being stupid.
Wendy, could you go stand in the other room, please?
Yeah. Mom.
Give me your iPhone, now.
The nougat things are good.
I have all my contacts in there.
Okay, if you don't give me your phone right now,
then I'm gonna have to take away your phone and your computer.
Jesus Christ, I need my computer to do homework.
That's it. No phone, no computer.
This is B.S.
This is a bunch of F-ing S. You're acting like a B.
Kids! Time to go!
You go to your room, right now.
You are not allowed to use
iPhone, iPad, iPod Touch, iTunes, Netflix,
Pandora, or Spotify.
She's a little pip, just like her mommy.
So, I might have a job tomorrow.
At least, I'm gonna go try to give an estimate.
Do you mind taking the kids for a couple of hours?
Um...
Okay.
This is nice.
You and I don't spend enough time together, do we?
We spend enough time together.
We do?
It's quality time.
Then we do.
I'll go with what you think.
What else did they say?
All right, some kid named Joseph...
I know Joseph. You do?
He's making a "hot-or-not" list.
What?
Sadie said, "That's so lame and immature that you're doing that."
And then Joseph says, "Yo, girl, we're just having some fun.
"So don't be a bitch, yo."
That is not nice.
So then Sadie said, "Don't call me a bitch."
And Joseph said, "l didn't call you a bitch.
"l said don't act like a bitch.
"And by the way, you're in the 'Not-Hot' column."
Who made him the judge of "hot"?
Do you realize what that could do to her self-esteem?
What a little fuckhead. I'll kill him.
Then Sadie said, "You're in the jackass column.
"l gotta go, I'm bored of you."
That is cool. That's taking the high road.
And then, for some reason,
there's an emoticon of a panda doing push-ups.
I wonder what that means.
I don't think it means anything. I think it's just adorable.
Aww.
Well, she's a good girl.
She was polite and she stood up for herself.
That's pretty cool.
What?
Shit. What?
I thought she was coming in.
Oh, my God, that scared me to death.
If she caught us, she would kill us.
She would. She would kill us.
Huh.
I gotta make a call.
We sold how many?
612 album downloads.
Wait a minute. There are no zeroes after that?
There are zeroes, but all of them are before 612.
There are none after.
How is that even possible?
Well, out of 300 million Americans,
612 people chose to download the album.
You could personally call everyone who bought this record.
We're fucked, we're fucked.
Here's the deal, I want you to meet me tomorrow morning at 8:00.
I want a list of at least 30 ideas of what we can do to change this.
We have to change this.
I started a record label because I couldn't get a job,
so I have no other options.
What financial problems?
Well, I mean, for one thing, you were right.
You are missing about $10,000 from the store.
And then, Pete's record not selling well.
Pete's record not selling...
I thought we weren't supposed to hear for three weeks.
We heard. You heard?
And they're bad.
It's that and it's the money that he's been lending his father.
That's creating a strain.
How much have we lent him?
Eighty thousand.
Did you say 8,000 or 80,000?
80,000, over the past couple ofyears.
And then you missed the mortgage payment.
On the house?
And you missed the rental on the office.
Does Pete know that?
Yeah, we're on the phone all the time.
Look, I know you're going through a hard time.
And I want you guys to know that we're here for you, okay?
Anything you guys need, that's why we're here.
We're here for times like this.
What are you gonna do?
There's not much I can do.
What are you doing?
I'm drawing the album cover for Van Halen's Diver Down.
If you spent a little bit more time focusing on Graham Parker
instead of drawing album covers,
I wouldn't be in this predicament.
I'm focused on Graham Parker.
You're supposed to help me with him.
You're supposed to call the companies.
You're supposed to get people to the show.
I've done everything I can, Pete.
You had me pushing around a corpse.
It was like being in fucking Weekend at Graham's.
What should we do? I'm out of ideas.
You fly in The Rumour.
I can't sell a reunion concert without the band, it's ridiculous.
With what? I can't afford it.
You put this on yourself. You wanted the responsibility.
Take it on the fucking chin, and stop acting like a bitch.
What did you call me?
Chin.
Pete. Wait, Pete!
Hey, I have an apartment.
I have health insurance, I have car payments.
I have responsibilities.
You have responsibilities? Don't talk to me about responsibilities.
I have a life. I have a family.
I can't afford to sit in my apartment getting high, jerking off,
and then going to Tommy's Chili Burgers at 3:00 in the morning.
That's not even the order that that happens in!
I have everything to lose, here. Everything.
Yes, because you spent thousands of dollars on shit we don't need.
You really need to spend $30,000 on a fucking neon sign, dude?
Which is inside, it's not even outside. We know where we work.
If you want to sign a band, you gotta look like you're the real deal.
Princess Labia, how much is it to fucking fly The Rumour in?
It's 12,000.
$12,000!
All right, you know what? Fine.
Fly in The Rumour. Put it on my AmEx.
No, you said it was impossible.
I don't think I said "impossible."
Yeah.
I usually don't say "impossible."
I like to leave some wiggle room.
You said that my fibroid was like a giant boulder,
Iike the one from the Indiana Jones movies
blocking up my uterus. Uterus.
And I need to stop using that reference of Indiana Jones.
I think that that's not appropriate when talking about the reproductive system.
It's okay.
Anyway, somehow the Eastern medicine has worked,
and the fibroid has dissipated.
That's great! Yes.
Wow. Yes.
Your fibroid shrunk and somehow
it allowed you to get pregnant.
What?
You're gonna have your third baby.
Congratulations.
No.
Yes.
Would you like some water?
That's good news.
Another baby.
At 40.
Debbie?
I am thrilled.
And Pete is gonna be so happy.
So, you're okay?
What a relief.
Because I can finally relax now, you know?
It's been, like...
It's okay.
I'm so happy, though, you know?
I really am, because, I mean...
It's good.
Great. Great.
Hey. Hey.
Why are you in a bathrobe? It's the middle of the afternoon.
I took a late shower. Why are you busting my balls?
I'm sorry about the record.
You're going through financial shit. This is what I live with.
This is a horrible time in human history. What is that?
It's something that might help both of our situations.
This is a drawing by John Lennon.
I got it 10 years ago for $5,000.
I don't know how much it's worth now.
It could be five, it could be 20.
I don't want this.
I don't even like it. I'm not gonna hang it up.
It's not for you to hang up. It's for you to sell.
That way, I can give it to you and you make some money,
and Debbie won't know that I'm giving you anything.
You're not giving me money. You're giving me a project.
I don't know how to sell this. I'm not an art dealer.
I don't know. Sell it online.
You know, do some research, make some calls.
Or is that too hard to do with your high blood pressure?
All right. Don't get snippy.
Just because you write a great song doesn't mean you can draw.
It's incredible. John Lennon drew it.
I think it's a Ringo.
Don't beat me up if I get $300 for it.
Don't take anything less than $6,500 for that.
It's very valuable. It's important to me.
I want you to sell it so I can help you.
Okay.
All right. I'll see you at my party.
What should I bring? You want wine or something?
No, don't buy wine with my money and give it to me at my party.
That's mean.
I love you. Bye. All right.
How do I call eBay?
I mean, he called me a bitch. What am I supposed to say?
But I think maybe that might mean he likes me.
I don't know. It's making me really... It's really awkward.
I think he might like you.
She's so cute. She's so tall.
I know.
How did that happen?
Do you ever wish we had a bigger family?
No. Never for a second.
Never.
Never? Never.
I love what we have.
One? A breeze.
Two? Brutal.
Three? Put a bullet in my head.
Ugh.
You know, I think about that gray-haired pregnant lady from school,
and I just feel bad for her.
And I feel bad for the kid.
Can you imagine?
All the other little kids, "Where's your mommy?"
"Oh, she's the one sitting in that scooter, eating a soft cracker."
Kids don't want to have old parents.
You know what? It would also be nice for us to spend some time apart.
Kind of rediscover who we are, individually.
It'd be so great to not see you for a chunk of time,
so that I could really just miss you.
Remember when we used to miss each other?
Hey! Hey, you.
Yeah, what's up?
Hey, I'm Sadie's mom.
Sadie?
Sadie, the one you chat with on the lnternet.
No, man. That ain't me.
Well, it was you. I saw your picture.
Did you make a hot list? And not put Sadie on the hot list?
She was not on my list, no.
You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna make my own hot list.
And you know what? You're on the not-hot list.
How does that feel?
It doesn't bother me. I'm comfortable with the way I am.
Maybe you shouldn't be so comfortable with yourself.
You know why?
You look like a miniature Tom Petty.
How's that feel?
You think that haircut's cool? It's not.
It looks like you put your Justin Bieber wig on backwards.
Are you still comfortable with yourself?
Why are you wearing a tank top? Huh?
So you can show off your little bald pits, you little hairless wonder?
Cool tank top, man. Huh?
So next time you think about writing something nasty
on my daughter's Facebook page, just remember me.
Remember me.
I will come down here, and I will fuck you up.
Okay, I'm sorry.
Wait a minute. Hey, hey, hey!
Wait. You're not... Are you crying?
Just let me go.
Oh, my...
I'm sorry. Okay.
I'm sorry.
I'm not in my right head.
I understand. My mom's going through menopause, too.
It's a hard time.